“Exposing what we see as the dark sides of our personality, the parts that we deny most of the time because they complicate the image we project of ourselves, that is intimacy.” Atusa Jafari in Friends of Friends
intimacy is a daring thing.
it’s a deep and mysterious and longing thing.
it’s funny, i would say i am someone who craves intimacy, with a thirst that i can feel at the top of my grainy mouth, all licorice. i would say i’m someone who craves intimate relationships of all kinds, and yet i’ve also been wondering if that’s true for me still, or even what’s needed for me, all the time? can’t we want bad habits to remain? uninspired to change we accept a life of sustained roadblocks instead of leaping toward a new reality, a different self.
deep intimacy is uncomfortable because it requires trust on both ends — trust that not all of us have (or want to give) and it also requires a desire, on both ends, to want to be intimate. i’ve seen friends, just when it could get deeper, opt out because the discomfort of any situation that requires looking at someone directly can lead to a fear that usually blocks the process of deepening, intimately. but that is also a part of the process, a part of the dance. we must learn to face one another more.
in my last… romantic relationship (or in my last romantic thing) at every point of possible deepening a fight would ensue on the person i was seeing’s end—suddenly rapturous, her anger would be pointed and critical and she would usually find some reason to berate me. i found myself being anxious, on overdrive, and expecting critique daily and my only way of engaging in those moments was to figure out what would soothe her… and therefore soothe me. this always required my subordination. my entire childhood was this — me dealing with my mother’s rapturous rage that could puncture walls, start fires outside children’s bedrooms and wield knives.
yet i still crave love so boldly. even after never receiving it as a child, it’s quite moving how bold i still am to want to receive love. my entire life, my corniness (read: desire for love) was something that was easily dismissible to others and therefore myself. as i get older, my therapist encourages me to hold these uglier parts that i’ve labeled as unworthy or boring… these sickeningly needy parts… and she asks me to look at them. she says, Fariha look at yourself, look at needy Fa, what is she trying to tell you?
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