On Self Sabotage
& the road to self care
(tw: self harm, abuse)
I’ve known I was into self-sabotage, almost like it was a kink (without pleasure), for a while now. Considering my past, when I started my very deliberate journey of self-care almost nine years ago, deciding to track the process through documentation of my thoughts, I began to see a trend in my own relationship to self. You could say, I began to notice a pattern play out. From afar, it could be read, by an objective bystander, as a sort of alchemized disdain toward self. Almost like I didn’t like who I was, evidenced by my constant perpetuation of self-punishment. I understood how it looked to other people, and that made me even more self-conscious and ready to abandon myself. I was embarrassed that I hated myself so much, and I hated it was so obvious to others, too. This, I think, has made me an easy target to other people’s rage for a lot of my life; they knew how quickly I could turn on myself.
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