on the year 2022

& what was that about??

i always start my year officially on my birthday. which is convenient because i’m a january baby, the tenth of january, so it always feels like the beginning of the earth’s calendar is also aligned with my very own rebirth. as the earth begins a new year, so do i — bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready for a fresh new start.

i like the feeling of possibility. it feels erotic, like arriving and gushing and being in awe of the moment, the feeling of possibility feels like freedom. i don’t always feel this but when i do, it’s usually close to my birthday (either before or after a depressive stint) but then i emerge ready to be alive again, embarking toward a future version of me that feels… possible, awoken.

so to usher in the year around my birthday i go watch a movie or i go to the museum, all i want to do is to stimulate myself. it’s a tradition that accidentally started as a 15-year-old when i went and watched Finding Neverland and emerged feeling… changed. at that age, i needed proof that it was possible to make your own life. that you could make a life out of nothing, out of scraps, and still have a fruitful life. movies made me believe in that possibility. that you could overcome trauma… and still dream. so i relied on art as a conduit to the future and it’s like the movie theater became a portal that i entered every birthday, my old self ready to die, and after the movie ended i would come out wiser, closer to the vision of my imagined self.

unrelated/related: past favorite birthday watches have been Biutiful by Alejandro Innaritu (age 21) and Youth by Paolo Sorrentino (age 26) and i don’t know if it’s related but these films end up having a last impact on me for a while. they are movies i come back to again and again because of the distinctness of the imprint they left on my soul. it’s glorious how art can do that to you.