on wanting nice things

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I often worry that I’m a contradiction. That, what I strive for and am writing about are things that I’m failing to implement in my own life. It’s a worry that is derived out of judgment — of myself and others — and one that I struggle with constantly.

I think, sadly, so much of this is my own trauma’s past lurking like a shadow, edging like a hyper vigilant beast. In a constant state of judgment, ready to pounce, destroy and eradicate any flaw, I hyper correct myself before anyone can say anything, a tactic I learned in childhood, to always be in expectation of someone else’s critique. Yet, this is also an impossible task, to hold everyone’s merciless judgment and to not let every action of one’s own self berate said self into a pit of self loathing.

What I’m trying to say is that we’re all contradictions.

And yet, we pretend we are not. We pretend we are grander, smarter, wiser than others, or maybe former selves—and while that may be true, it doesn’t necessarily negate the reality that we are all such complex ecosystems of pure contradiction!

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As a Capricorn I hate how easily we are all corrupted.

I am obsessed with perfection in sociopathic ways and inevitably I continue to fail myself… because I am not perfect and I will never be and yet and yet and yet wouldn’t it be really amazing if against all odds I somehow succeeded… at being PERFECT!!!!!!!!!

🫠🫠

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I’m apart of DegrowthNYC, a Marxist Leninist organization, that as a concept prioritizes the repair of the Earth, by de-centering capitalism, and thus the needs of the Global North at the expense of the Global South.

Every P&E committee meeting we do a CSC (criticism and self-criticism) which was first introduced by Joseph Stalin in the The Foundations of Leninism. In Stalin’s own words: “I think, comrades, that self-criticism is as necessary to us as air or water. I think that without it, without self-criticism, our Party could not make any headway, could not disclose our ulcers, could not eliminate our shortcomings. And shortcomings we have in plenty. That must be admitted frankly and honestly.”

Is it weird that this turns me on?

In committee meetings what I’m getting tired of saying is “My CSC is that I like nice things.” But that’s not the whole truth. There are layers to this beast. On one level, I’m reckoning with the reality that I’m a contradiction, whilst also accepting the realities of my life as an artist. On another level, I’m having to heal generations of a bloodline that has deemed money as bad. I’m healing ghosts and cobwebbs of people that martyred themselves to a cause that’s been passed down to me. I still believe in revolution… but the reality, also—for me—is that pleasure is also a revolution.

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A really big thing happened to me a few months ago. After years of not doing brand work (two years exactly) I started to look at my bank account and wonder when my life would change, when my writing would be able to provide me with enough money so that I could afford all the things that I wanted. Nothing crazy, just nice moments of small luxury. It started to get me thinking more about luxury and what kind of life I wanted. I knew I didn’t want a small life, but I didn’t want an exhaustingly grand life, either. I wanted a simple but beautiful life full of ceramics and full scale wall art.

And then it happened, right around turning 30, soon after my big adult break-up, I lost so much of my life that I had built with another person that the idea of starting again meant the possibility of healing old wounds. All of a sudden, I wanted cashmere turtlenecks and Memphis Milano furniture. I was lustful for a beautiful home-life, a security I had never been afforded, and therefore had to make it on my own. I was determined to not ever rely on anyone again for money or security. It felt scary and exciting… but the issue was, despite the desire being there… the money was not coming in on my own.

I thought I could, with this newsletter, and through the sale of my books, create a life of safety that was enough… which would mean that I wasn’t always feeling like I was pimping myself out. I work way more than I’d like to in order to afford the life that I want, and in a perfect world I’d write this newsletter at a leisurely pace that wouldn’t require me to constantly be mining myself for something to say. Not that I don’t always have something to say…

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In a way, I always felt a bit of remorse for my greedy little shopping habits, especially after I was constantly shamed by them by my family, even though I started to make my own money by 14, I think I still carry the shame of wanting nice things… So, in a way, not having money meant I could be a good Communist daughter and sublimate my desire for material objects into other things — mainly my art. I told myself I didn’t need more nice things (arguably true) and that I should be happy with what I have. But this sense of wanting not even more, just better quality things, made me realize that there was a sacredness to the relationship I had with my things.

A couple of years ago, I was obsessed with the concept of Wabi Sabi and this belief that in order to be an evolved human I had to practice non attachment. When I talked to my Reiki teacher about it a couple of months ago, who is also a Zen Buddhist monk, I expressed my worries that I was too attached to this life, especially to objects and beauty. Something they shared was that the cultivation of beauty is one of the most expressive ways of connecting with the divine.

This has been a push and pull for me, how much is too much? For a person who left home at 19, and arguably never had a home before (and as a Cancer moon) it has felt important to build this source of safety, replenished with forms of beauty I’d never had access to before. It was difficult, but it’s something I’m trying to understand each day. As a person who self identifies as a Communist, what feels correct for me in the way I engage with material, with luxury, with money?

But the reality I keep coming back to, is the impermanence of life, and how the very ideologies I was raised with were flawed themselves. Marxism Leninism, though it appeals to me the most as a theory, does not salve nor satiate my own ideological questions about race and the Earth. We are an interconnected cosmos that denies our connection and responsibility to one another. The dangers of greed is that if you allow yourself to want everything, that will consume you. Like anything, there needs to be limitations… but even that is permeable, ever moving. Maybe what Stalin was advocating for, was a constant self discovery of oneself through the focus and tool of criticism and self criticism. To be better for yourself and your comrades, always. To try harder. To not necessarily deny desire… but to acknowledge it.

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A few months ago the Italian heritage brand Loro Piana reached out to me to do a campaign. I’ve not worked with a fashion brand… in YEARS. I say no to almost every offer that comes my way because I don’t want to sell clothes. That’s not why I came on this Earth to do (also not berating anyone who does that, btw, do you boo)… BUT — I do enjoy fashion, and as a person, not just a comrade, I’ve had to continuously ask since saying yes to the brand was… what are my needs? Not in a selfish way, but in a way that if I wasn’t martyring myself for the world anymore… what could I accept for myself as a reward or a gift?

So I said yes to Loro Piana… and it changed my life. I have never in my life ever been this respected and cared for professionally. Working with them did wonders for my self esteem that has been really brutalized by the year’s workings. Through this experience, it made me realize that there are brands out there that do care, and yes maybe not in the way I want them to (like give all your money away ya fools) there is still a generosity that seems to be a core value of Loro Piana that really moves me. There’s a consideration of the Earth in their practices that I was excited to learn about, and thankfully even got a chance to talk directly to the CEO, Matthieu Garnier, who had not only read and memorized some of my work … but also understood and talked to me about how capitalism is a problem.

Something that moved me about Loro Piana is that the beauty of buying something that you’ll have for decades IS the remedy to fast fashion which tells you to buy 10 sweaters in one fashion cycle, as opposed to buying something that will last, something that will age, and something that will have many different lives. There’s a deep, powerful beauty in this. Isn’t it more meaningful? Of course, class and accessibility is an issue… but that doesn’t negate the reality that there is something illustrious in buying anything that will last… that might even be passed down. Not something that will go into a landfill years later.

Trade and luxury has existed forever, these are things that as humans we’ve socialized and evolved with. We are now at a point of human existence where we are being forced to consider, at an untenable rate, our greed and consumption… but even within that, there has to be space for the cultivation of beauty, self and surroundings. The problem is that we’ve not yet succeeded at that as a society, maybe because most people when they have money aren’t very ethical, considerate or kind about it. Money is hoarded, not shared, but if it was shared it would create revolution. I know that this is true.

Today, I guess I write about this contradiction in myself and I bring it humbly to you. I am trying to figure out how to be a responsible human everyday, while also giving myself the care and consideration to want things I also require and need for my own selfhood and expression. I’m grateful for being on this journey with you and I hope this starts a conversation, or even a small revolution in your own life, to accept your own contradictions. To find balance in your life between pleasure and service, to find the healing in duty and responsibility of the Earth, each other and self.

I look at every revolutionary body in the history of the Earth and most of them failed. Maybe because there was a disconnect between the material and spiritual realms. For me, political warfare is spiritual. We are on this Earth to share and be in communion with the gifts that this world brings. Those things are not all material, but a lot of them are tangible. How can we find a better relationship to objects, and thus our selves?