thinking through some things

just thinking & dreaming & scheming

Sun Center, Ingo Swann, 1975.

hellooooooooooooooo

wow, the earth.

let us take a moment for the earth. for the suffering she is enduring,

these are some terribly dark times but last night i was with my Reiki family (my teacher and my siblings/peers) and that tether to source, to the divine, to the community felt so ripe and enduring, it left me in a state of deep peace and ease. and, yet, ironically, as we sat in the backyard, after giving and receiving Reiki to one another, two police helicopters huddled above with searchlights, the gnawing sound of terror circulating the sacred, divine container we were in… now invaded/infected with the presence of cops. speaking of, i love this video (it’s the last one in the slide just in case), so yeah fuck cops — internationally. it was a reminder of coexistence operates (even when you despise one entity) and how dissonant the times are yet these are also the times, we must face them.

as most humans alive right now i’m in a deep state of transition. that looks like many different things but today i’m really here to talk about professionally where i’m at.

firstly, i started writing this newsletter because i had no money.

i started writing it in january 2020 because i was deeeeeeeply broke and i wasn’t being paid in time for the work i was doing so i was constantly in a cycle of distress. i also like nice things and want a good life, so i’d overspend and then have weeks where i’d have to live off, like, $100. i had no savings account and with the responsibility i took on to care for other people, it was a dark cycle i kept myself in. even when i had money i’d spend it on others and myself, and it was also never enough. i made more money than i’d ever made in 2018 (more money than my parents had ever made) and then i had to live off that for years. in 2019, after a chronic neck injury appeared, i took 6 months off around the time How To Cure A Ghost was coming out, and focused on healing — i started trauma therapy, doing regular acupunture, massage and sitting in ayahuasca ceremonies meant by 2020… i had nothing. and then the pandemic happened 🙃🙃🙃 and i lost about $10,000 worth of work within days. i’m not exactly sure how i survived.

healing is expensive, and for someone like me it is a necessity. i resent that we live in a society that deems it a privilege when for many folks, like me, it’s the only way we survive. i have many chronic illnesses at this point (or maybe always did) and this isn’t a gross exaggeration, every month i have to spend thousands of dollars on my health so i can keep writing, teaching and showing up in this world.

so when i started the newsletter it was an attempt to start having a regular income, which i never had in my life (except when i worked in service as a teen until about 19) and by 22, when I decided to pursue writing full-time, i didn’t realize i’d have to wait years for any real stability. there’s a lot here i could say about being an immigrant and about not being taught how to save when you don’t come from generational wealth… needless to say, it’s been a journey ~

this is why this newsletter has been $10 a month, honestly — i couldn’t afford to make it any less, and talking about the level of trauma i talk about in my work made me feel protective of it. but honestly… it has shocked me, maybe disappointed me, how many people read me and how little of you financially support me. i understand it’s hard times, but that has been something that’s disconcerted me. i give a lot, which is why thousands of you read me from across the globe, i know the value of my work… and yet monetarily i have had a hard time feeling support. and it’s made me wonder if i should even keep writing here.

then i started teaching and i began to meet some of the folks that read me and it has been one of the highlights of my life, thus far… maybe the most significant professional milestone has been the chance to sit in the ceremony of my classes and speak about vulnerability and get to know some of you. over the last year i’ve taught six cohorts, that’s more than 120 students.

as much as i love teaching, putting Who Is Wellness For? out into the world has been arduous. teaching was a way to make a solid income, and mixed with the pleasure of sitting with folks, it was also a way to understand myself as a thinker… but as of now, i don’t think i have the capacity to teach the longer classes (though if I can, I want to still try and do a few single classes a year) because it really requires so much from my end and these days the thing i crave the most is easeeeeeeee.

thankfully, things have gotten easier for me in the last few months and some financial constraints have lifted, so i’ve decided i want to make this newsletter more financially accessible now that i’m no longer in the zero and so now it’s $5/monthly and my prayer is if you read this newsletter regularly many more (hundreds/thousands) more of you can commit to becoming a paid subscriber. as of today!

in an ideal world, i want to write this newsletter as long as i can. i’ve consistently written at least once a month for the last two-and-a-half years. which is a feat! this community i’ve created here brings me so much joy but i need your support. i still don’t make enough money from my writing (i make money from other things, like consulting) and if you know me you know as an anti-capitalist, i’m very specific with who i work with. all i want to do is make money off my writing so i don’t have to do other things. becoming a paid subscriber would help me to do that. you would be helping me directly so i wouldn’t have to take on more work. so i can rest. so i can heal.

and if you’re someone who has been supporting me the last few years, thank you. i love you. i couldn’t have done it without you.

ok a few other things:

this is maybe my favorite playlist i’ve made to date, check it out!

also, i have about 50 copies of my books on hand (I have some hardcovers of LAB, softcovers of LAB and copies of HTCAG) if you pre-order Who Is Wellness For? (and send me a receipt) for the first 50 people who do I’ll send a signed copy (or with a message of choice) of any of these books (let me know if there’s something specific)! also… i have 20 copies of Who Is Wellness For? and if you get a new annual subscription + pre-order a copy of WIWF I’ll send you an early signed copy of WIWF with a cute note from me!!! (Just FYI I will also ask for shipping costs too, it’s hella expensive)

anyway. thank you for your support in any way you can show it, it’s what allows me to keep going.

love, fa